


If I Let You In

by Riaball



Category: Monsta X (Band)
Genre: Angst, Eventual Smut, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Other Ships Not Mentioned in Tags
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-11-26
Updated: 2018-12-24
Packaged: 2019-09-03 03:09:16
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 4,724
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16754896
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Riaball/pseuds/Riaball
Summary: ~But now that he's staring at their group photoshoot cards, he couldn't help but wonder when did it all start to go wrong, when did the lines blur. His fingers hovering above one particular member.





	1. Chapter 1

It was the last day of their promotions, and Wonho could sense the emptiness that came with knowing he has nothing to do for the upcoming days. Sure, he was grateful for the opportunity to rest and catch up at the gym, but despite it being overwhelmingly tiresome, he would miss the rush of promoting their album and the fun that came with variety shows. He's sure the other members would, too, judging by the pouty faces on both Jooheon and Minhyuk, but the fast asleep Hyungwon made him doubt that.

  
"What are the plans for this week, guys?" Kihyun asked, tired eyes looking over the rest of the members.

  
"I don't know about you, but I'm sure I'll take a two-day long nap."

  
_Oh, he wasn't asleep after all._

  
"I take it you don't feel bummed out knowing we've finished our schedule?"

  
"I'm with Hyungwon hyung on this one, we've been working too hard, at least we'll get to rest for a bit," Chankgyun answered for him, slumping against his seat for emphasis. "if anything, I feel sorry for Shownu hyung, he still has a busy schedule for the next few days." he continued, speaking Jooheon's thoughts apparently, as the latter nodded vigorously, deepening his frown for good measure.

  
"I agree, it sucks that we won't get to hang out with him."

  
"Quit being sulky Joohie, he'll catch up in a few days." Kihyun looked at him with a reassuring smile.

  
Wonho put his earbuds back in, and leaned against the window. He closed his eyes, unable to shake off his repressed thoughts.

  
___________________________________________________________

  
**_His lips were a whisper away from Wonho's, animalistic hunger burning in his eyes._ **  
**_"You're mine."_ **  
**_A calloused palm wrapped around his neck, applying a light pressure, and Wonho melted into the touch._ **  
**_"Y-yours."_ **  
**_His knees gave out, and he braced himself for the fall, but the man in front of him swooped him up in his arms, carrying him to bed. He put him down gently, eyes never leaving Wonho as he leaned down slowly-_ **

  
"Hyung! Wake up!! Dinner is ready!"

  
Wonho jerked awake, heart beating a mile a minute, he tugged his blanket closer as he tried to figure out his surroundings.

  
"Uh sorry I didn't mean to scare you, you were napping for too long, Hyungwon couldn't hold back his hunger anymore." Minhyuk explained, an apologetic smile on his face.

  
"Uhm, uh why don't you guys just eat without me?" he grumbled out, remnants of that dream laid just under his eyelids.

  
"You know how Kihyun gets about us eating seperatly, but if you don't feel well I'll tell him to drop it this time." Minhyuk reassured, closing the door behind him as he went.

  
Wonho shook his head, a headache beating its way to his temples as he recalled the dream vividly.

  
He wasn't gay.

  
He was soft around the edges, sentimental, sure, but, he never got off to naked men or the thought of being with them, he never considered the thought of another man remotely desirable. And so, he refused to let himself be fooled by his sinful desires, good-for-nothing fantasies that threatened to ruin his sanity.  
Even more so, he was afraid of acknowledging the man in his dreams, the thought of it left him breathless and on the verge of a panic attack.

  
The thought of going back to sleep scared him enough to get out of bed, so he went to sit by the window. He glanced up at the night sky, the beauty of the stars overshadowed by the light pollution that consumed the city of Seoul. Eyes unfocused as his mind wandered to a time where his heart didn't beat as fast, his only goal was to debut, to make something of himself; _simpler times_.  
They were a family. Seven different people who got to know each other on a level that no one had anticipated. They went through hell and back, fought their way to success, and they did it all together. Wonho couldn't be more grateful. But now that he's staring at their group photoshoot cards, he couldn't help but wonder when did it all start to go wrong, when did the lines blur. His fingers hovering above one particular member.  
  
A stray tear landed on the card, breaking Wonho's dazed state. He put it down and rose to his feet, choosing to go see the rest of the guys before they started to get suspicious. He's used up all his excuses, as he had locked himself in his room for three days now.

  
"Look who finally decided to join us!" Minhyuk chirped, sprawled out on the floor, a bag of chips clutched to his chest.

  
"You hungry? want me to make you something?" Kihyun peeked from the kitchen.

  
"No, it's okay, I'll go out to eat in a bit. Want me to help you there?" Wonho added, noticing the handful of dishes Kihyun held.

  
"You should've came out earlier to go out with Jooheon and Hyungwon then, you missed them by a blink," He reprimanded, "and I'm already done, just go eat something."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Wonho strolled through the streets of Seoul with a full stomach and a hollow feeling in his chest. The harsh cold weather forcing him into a thick black coat and a scarf that hid half of his face. The wind slicing through his skin and burning his nose red; though not as painful as the lonliness that seeped through his bones, at its most intrusive when the wind whistled through the lifeless streets, and his hands ached for a certain companion to warm them up.

  
He wasn't ready to go back to the dorm yet, so he opted for a small coffee shop that had caught his eyes, it looked reasonably empty, bright string lights hanging outside the large window, contrasting the dimmed atmosphere inside. The warm smell of coffee engulfed him as he went in, immediately drawn by the cozy nature of the place; soft music playing in the background, beautiful vintage artworks hung on every surface available.

  
After placing his order Wonho went to sit in the far corner as a mean for some kind of privacy, even though he didn't need to, since the only people there aside from the staff were an elderly couple sat by the large window.

He felt his phone vibrate and fished it out of his pocket, Changkyun's name flashing on the screen.

  
"Hyung! bring some food and drinks with you, Hyunwoo hyung is coming home today!" Changkyun shrieked, arguably the most excited about the news. It was no secret how attached the maknae was to the leader, if his constant admittance to it was anything to go by.

  
"Okay! okay! no need to be so loud," Wonho mused, endeared by the excitment in the other's voice, "and people usually greet first."

  
He heared a huff and the line went dead. Typical maknae.

Although it subjected him to constant teasing from the members, Changkyun only brought out his inner child around the leader, the chic youngest becoming all smiley and bright, something about him resembling a father figure he'd said. And Wonho couldn't help but agree, the elder man had a certain warmth to him that brought peace to their otherwise chaotic dynamic, everyone would agree that he was the center pillar of their group.

  
"Hyung?" he heard a voice call out, lifting up his head he was met with Mark's uncertain smile.

  
"Oh, hey!"

  
"What are you doing here?" he asked, coming closer to Wonho's table.

  
"Uhh what do you think people do at coffee shops?" he asked, bewildered by the dumb question, "are initial greetings out of fashion now or?" he added as an afterthought.

  
Flustered, Mark shook his head "No, no, I meant alone, like why are you here alone, or are you expecting someone?" he gestured at the seat opposite of Wonho.

  
"Not at all, I didn't think it's this unsual for people to hang out by themselves. And I could say the same about you."

  
Mark's eyes widened, and as if on cue, Jaebum appeared by his side sporting joggers and a black hoodie, his shaggy black hair peeking under his beanie.

  
"Hey Hyung, how are you doing?"

  
"I'm doing fine, _thank you_ ," Wonho emphasized, looking pointedly at Mark,"what about you? you guys just got done with practice?"

  
"Yeah, are you here by yourself?" he asked, looking around, presumably to see if he had missed any of the other members.

  
"I am. Care to join me?" he signaled for them to sit down.

  
Jaebum looked at Mark who seemed a little hesitant, before a small nod from the younger of the two encouraged him to accept the offer. Jaebum pulled the chair out for Mark, his hand on the elder's lower back didn't go unnoticed.

  
They talked about their recent tours, lives at the dorm and music; low chatter turned into quiet sips when their orders reached the table, none too keen on talking much. In the comfortable silence Wonho witnessed soft moments exchanged between the two; shoulders deliberately pressed together, and fond stares that spoke more than he understood.  
Wonho stared in fascination as a red hue decorated Mark's cheeks when Jaebum wiped a spot of cream cheese off the corner of his mouth, the brown haired boy smiling shyly, eyes downcast. He felt like an intruder when he glimpsed the elder's pinky finger seek the leader's, intertwining tightly.

  
He waited a moment before he made a point of finishing his coffee, "Alright guys, I gotta go now, still got some stuff to do." ~

The wind pierced through his coat and he pulled it tighter, bags of food clutched in his hands as he absentmindedly made his way home. The image of his two friends replaying in his mind, he felt as though he saw more than he was meant to. A flow of questions he knew would remain unanswered boggled his mind.  
The unusual pair brought back thoughts he's had for a while, and a sense of hope bubbled in his chest, only to be squashed by the bitterness of his reasoning.

  
He wouldn't let his mind go there. _Not now_ , _not ever_.


	2. Chapter 2

The sun rose amidst the faint musty air, its rays seeping through the clouds, coloring the sky in warm orange and red hues, a beautiful contrast against the dull grey atmosphere. Wonho watched as his breath came out in smoke, dissipating into thin air shortly after.

Broken out of his daze by a small bark, he glanced up, a white Corgi jogging by the side of his owner; a middle-aged man who casted him confused looks as they ran past.

Understandable, he thought; a guy in plaid pajama bottoms and a coat, sitting by himself on a bench, with no sight of a pet as an excuse to be out at the crack of dawn. He was bound to be met with such looks. But he didn't care, too exhausted to mind anything outside of his slowly fleeting sanity.

He couldn't sleep more than two hours, last night's events kept replaying in his mind, leaving him with a sense of dread. 

_Wonho had made it his number one priority to avoid the leader, coming up with various excuses to stay as far as possible. To the point where it started to get suspicious - if Hyungwon's confused glances throughout the night were anything to go by._

_"Hoseok-ah," Hyunwoo called out from where he sat on the couch - his signature fatherly smile crinkling his eyes, making him seem that much older as Minhyuk tugged at his arms, desperate for his attention, "come sit with us."_

_Wonho had denied him, again, choosing instead to stay in the kitchen, doing the dishes as an excuse to keep his distance. Anything to keep himself occupied at this point. He'd been on edge ever since he stepped foot into the dorm, the implication of what Mark and Jaebum were left him desoriented._

_But he didn't count on the leader to come to him, leaning against the kitchen door as the younger tried his hardest not to lose focus. "Are you okay?"- Wonho nodded._

_"I think we need to talk." the elder said, his expression stone cold. And Wonho had no doubt about what he meant - even so, he had hoped to the god of gods that he would just forget about it amidst his busy schedule- The avoidance of the subject going smoothly as Hyunwoo had been away for the last few days, but now, he had no way out. Yet the statement left him stunned, the plate he was holding tumbled out of his fingers, breaking into pieces as it hit the ground -causing the members to rush to them. But Wonho couldn't tear his eyes off Hyunwoo, fear washing over him._

_"What happened? are you hurt?" Kihyun rushed out as he examined him._

_Wonho shook his head, letting his mouth fall close, he mumbled out: -"I uhh I'm just tired guys, I'll go to sleep now." He avoided Hyunwoo's gaze as he dashed to his room._

It hadn't always been that way, he was much more focused - deep into his pretense that he had managed to fool himself as well - feelings unveiled even to himself as he happily chose to interpret them as he wished; until he couldn't. He groaned as the moment it all started to crumble down - _he_ started to crumble down- flashed through his mind; It had been two days before their break.

_Kihyun and Hyunwoo were messing about at the fansign the whole time, the two playing up the husband and wife dynamic the fans seemed to love; Hyunwoo carrying the smaller man bridal style, swaggering around the stage as Kihyun squirmed in laughter. Wonho shot daggers at the scene, oblivious to Jooheon's requests to do aegyo. It took everything in him not to storm off the stage, a ball of disgust settling in his stomach; he hated skinship, hated the way they had to pretend that it was okay to act so intimately with the other members; two men weren't supposed to act that way with one another - it's unnatural, and ~~Hyunwoo~~ the members being okay with such a concept ignited a sickening sensation in him. He felt his smile slip and forced it back on, praying to whoever heard him it didn't look as forced as it felt. He redirected his attention towards Jooeon, who moved past him and onto Hyungwon, the latter bending down to his requests._

_It didn't take long for the other members to catch on to Wonho's sour mood that night, as he made a point of staying silent, eyes closed the whole ride home. He always found it hard to control his emotions, and with anger bubbling low in his chest like a volcano at the edge of eruption, burning him inside out, he slammed the car door shut and stormed into the dorm, hands shaking as he entered his bedroom, the gratitude of not having to share his room passing through him before it was replaced with seething rage._

_He sat on the edge of the bed, his head hanging low as he gripped his hair, elbows digging through his knees. He heard the bedroom door open slowly, and forced himself to calm down._

_"Hey." a deep voice spoke, and Wonho tightened his grip. He wished it was someone else; anyone. But of course it was the leader, it always was._

_At the lack of response from the brown haired man, Hyunwoo approached him, crouching down by his knees, he slowly reached out for Wonho's hands, forcing them to let go._

_"You're hurting yourself."_

_Wonho refused to open his eyes. With Hyunwoo's steady hands holding his, he felt weak, he hated this, hated how his anger broke into splotches of hollowing sadness, and confusion. He felt as though he was losing his mind, his thoughts not making sense; nothing made sense anymore._

_"Wanna talk about it?" he asked, hands loosening their hold._

_Wonho shook his head._

_"You know I suck at comforting people, so I don't really know what to say." Hyunwoo started, sounding all kinds of uncomfortable, "but uhm Jooheon showed me a trick, hope it works."_

_Before he had any chance to reply, Wonho was engulfed in a tight embrace, the elder's musky scent attacking his senses - his eyes widened._

_He felt the leader's arm tighten around him, and a sense of warmth filled his chest; dazed, Wonho felt his own hands sneak their way around the other's torso, his eyelids falling close. Nuzzling his nose into the sturdy chest of the taller man, he felt his mind quiet down for the first time in a while._

_A contented sigh escaped his lips, and that was all it took for him to snap out of his hazy state - eyes bulging and his heartbeats doubled in speed, the younger pushed himself away from Hyunwoo, scrambling up to his feet and running out of his room, then out of the dorm, his feet picking up pace the more his realization cleared._

_He ran and ran until he found himself in a dark alley, he leaned against one of the slimy walls, loud sobs breaking out of his mouth until his feet couldn't hold him up anymore, falling to the ground, he shook his head violently. "No, no, no! please, it can't be happening! no p-" his own sobs cut him off, he banged at the wall as shame, anger and disgust channeled through him._

**_It's unnatural._ **

Hyunwoo didn't follow him, and the members didn't question him about it, much to his relief. They didn't talk about it after as he and the rest of the members started their break, while the leader still had a few days to go - a nice escape for Wonho, even if it left him without a distraction; thus leaving him alone in his mind, and that was a dangerous place to be.

Wonho felt the first droplet of rain land on his nose and looked up; it was going to rain soon. He tried to shake the memory away, burdened shoulders hunched in defeat. This wasn't how he planned to spend their break - downhearted and blue - that's why he'd preferred having a schedule; a packed day meant less thinking about his dilemma, it meant distraction - and oh how badly he needed one.

The rain started to pour, and Wonho heaved a sigh as he got up to his feet, dragging himself back to the dorm, bracing himself for whatever was to come.


	3. Chapter 3

"Do you think he'll be alright?" Minhyuk chewed at his bottom lip, eyes fixated on where Wonho sat on the bench - alone and seemingly lost in thought.  
"I hope so," Changkyun heaved, hands on his knees, trying to catch his breath, "we should call the others and let them know we found him." he continued, as he reached for his back pocket, fumbling for his phone.

  
_Minhyuk's eyes fluttered open at the sound of a commotion outside his bedroom door. he lifted his head up, looking around the dark room as his hazy mind tried to grasp what was happening. When he spotted Hyunwoo sleeping peacefully, he wrote it off as the guys playing around._

  
_Might as well come rip my ears off!_

  
_But as soon as his head hit the pillow, the bedroom door flew open; Jooheon launching himself on top of the leader._  
_"Hyung! Hoseok is missing! Hyung wake up!"_

  
_At the younger's voice Minhyuk straightened up; Hyunwoo following suit, both trying to understand the situation as confusion and worry painted their faces._  
_Hyunwoo got to his feet and dashed out the room, a shaken "No.." escaping past his lips._

  
_"Calm down Joohie! tell me what happened?" Minhyuk asked softly, a hint of fear in his voice as he chose to hear what the distraught ginger had to say instead._

  
_"I uhh couldn't sleep because of what happened yesterday right? cuz Hoseok hyung was acting weird right? and he's been acting weird for a while we all kn-"_  
_"Get to the point Jooheon!" Hyungwon snapped, brows furrowed as he leaned against the bedroom door, apparently not as keen on hiding his irritation. Minhyuk glared at him._  
_"Uh I was worried so I went to check on him, but he's not in the dorm! and we uh-we tried to call him but his phone's in his room!" he finished, hands shaking at whatever possibilities ran through his mind._  
_Minhyuk would be lying if he said he didn't feel the same, Wonho **had** been acting weird; the bad kind of weird, yet they'd all agreed not to mention anything - Hyunwoo's call, as the leader had thought it better if the man came about it on his own terms._

But now he's wondering if that was a good idea. The sight of his friend - sitting alone, head hanging low - crushed his heart. The burden of whatever Wonho seemed to carry looked to be more than he could handle, and Minhyuk was saddened by the thought of his hyung not trusting them enough to help him with it.

  
"Yeah, he's uh fine." he heard Changkyun speak into the phone. Yeah, right. _Obviously_ fine.  
Minhyuk made to go talk to Wonho, but Changkyun tugged him by his elbow, shaking his head with a solemn expression, and mentioning for them to go back. He hesitated before retracting his steps and following the maknae back to the dorm.

  
On their way, Hyunwoo's state throughout the whole ordeal flashed though his memory - the far away look his eyes adapted as if he had a notion of what might have happened to their friend; and it wasn't good, the way he ran out of the dorm without his shoes, looking around frantically - their hyung knew more than they did, and if his reaction spoke of anything, it just meant whatever's happening could go wrong quickly- terribly wrong.

_____________________________________________

Eerie silence hung in the living room, the soft sound coming from the television doing nothing to lighten the boys' restlessness; each lost in their own thoughts.

  
"I hope this doesn't affect our performance."

  
They whipped their heads toward Kihyun, disbelief clear in their eyes.

  
"Seriously hyung? _that's_ what you're thinking about right now?" Hyungwon asked in distaste.

  
"I'm not trying to be insensitive, but our break is ending soon-" he explained defensively as he sat on the couch, squeezing himself in between Jooheon and Minhyuk. "I want to help him as much as you do; but how can we when he doesn't want to talk about it?" Hyungwon lowered his gaze, picking on the pillow he was sat on, Changkyun's side-hug doing little to appease his irritation "besides it's not like we're allowed to bring it up to him." Kihyun continued, his accusing glare burning holes through Hyunwoo - the latter remaining quiet as he crossed his arms, leaning against the wall.

  
"Still..my heart hurts for him, we barely see him anymore, and he doesn't even eat much! that's a red flag right there!" frustration flowed in Jooheon' voice.

"One of us h-" the sound of keys outside the door cut Kihyun off - Hyunwoo threw them a stern look as he pushed himself of the wall, muttering for everyone to act normal.

  
Wonho stopped in his track, shocked to see everyone awake already - he had hoped they'd sleep the day away, giving him a break from his pretense; but, he came to learn a while ago that luck was never on his side. They stared at the tv unblinkingly, they never excelled in acting, Wonho saw right through their act, they were worried - Wonho concluded -a bitter smile graced his face.  
He walked past the living room, choosing not to engage them; he was too tired.


	4. Chapter 4

He couldn't make sense of his reality anymore, it felt like he was floating from where he lied on the bed, and his thoughts were like white noise static - uninteligible yet deafening.

_Maybe this was all a dream- a really fucked up dream._

Wonho wiped away at the tears pricking his eyes, a frustrated sigh escaping his lips. He felt guilty knowing he managed to worry his friends, it's been an hour since he'd come back and locked himself in his room, yet he could tell they were biting their nails over him in the living room.

He was scared, afraid of how this might affect them as a group; of facing them. He couldn't seem to remember the last time he genuinely let loose in front of them; the last time he spent time with them off camera, or even spoke to them about anything other than work. He was letting them down, too.

He had managed to completely block them out, as well as his thoughts. Strict on remaining blank and unfeeling - as best as he could. And for someone as emotional and spontaneous as Wonho, that seemed an impossible task , but it also seemed feasible during the rush of practice and promotions, but now, as he fell back under the mercy of lonliness - his mask started cracking.

Wonho heard his bedroom door open quietly. He kept his gaze on the ceiling, having had a good idea of who it might be.

Hyunwoo leaned against the brown desk opposite of Wonho's bed, arms crossed as he repeated, "We need to talk."

_Ever the straightforward man._

"Don't you think it's too early for this, I'm really tired right now." he protested, the thought of talking to Hyunwoo about anything - let alone his current crisis - left him with a bitter feeling.

"And that's exactly why we need to talk, your actions are quite worrying recent-"

"I get it! You'e the leader and it's your duty to be the all perfect caring leader yada yada yada, but still" Wonho breathed out, trying and failing to control his wavering voice, "I need some privacy, I just want to be left alone .. please." he whispered the last part.

"I knew it," Hyunwoo muttered, eyes widening in what must've been realization, "listen hoseok-ah, is this because I turned out to be the leader instead? I kn-"

"What?" he sat up, confusion written all over his face.

"-ow that it was supposed to be you. It's not something I could help."

"What?" he repeated, unable to comprehend what he had just heard, what on earth made Hyunwoo think that way. "No, I-uh what?"

The leader's brows furrowed, the comical downturn of his lips doing nothing to ease the tension, "Is that not the reason?" one look at Wonho's bewildered expression told him he was **way** off.

"No, It's not uh-I-, " _wish it was_ , "It's not, okay?" he stuttered out, eyes boring holes through the floor as he tried to swallow his anger down. _Nothing made sense anymore_. "Now please leave me alone."

"You're being irrational, Hoseok-ah-" Hyunwoo pushed himself off the desk, taking cautious steps towards Wonho's tense body, "-I can't help you if you don't tell me what's wrong."

He looked up into the elder's eyes, Wonho hated the underlying sympathy they held, "Maybe I don't need your help, have you ever fucking considered that?" he couldn't help the flare of his nose, nor the dizziness that struck him as he stood up, "just fucking mind your own business! not everything is about you!"

_Except this was_.

Fuck. This was all about him. The way he'd make Hoseok's breath stutter by just a look, his touch, his eyes, his lips, his warmth, just him. _him. Him. **HIM.**_

Hyunwoo seemed to disregard the outburst as he gripped Wonho's arms, attempting to hold him up as the younger's body betrayed him. Wonho looked at him through blurry eyes, the worried expression on his face fueling his anger. _How fucking dare he_.

This was all because of him, all the misery and shame that flooded through Wonho's veins, the restless nights, and tear-stained cheeks were all because of this one single human. This one soul who was supposed to be as mortal and mundane as Wonho was, yet there he was cluelessly destroying his sanity. _How fucking dare he act worried_.

"Get off me!" he pushed him off, flopping back down on the mattress, unshed tears burned at his eyes, he struggled to regain his breath, his accelerated heartbeats rang in his ears.

_Nothing made sense anymore._


End file.
